Heavy Heart

Today I have a heavy heart. Today was my due date. I knew it was coming and some knew, others did not. I woke up today and literally felt sick to my stomach. People ask if we want more children and yes, of course I "want" more but the long and short of it is that we will not and it's because of Cystic Fibrosis.

There came a time a couple of months ago where the inevitable happened. Everyone around me became pregnant with their second. I knew it would be tough but when it happened, although I was excited for my friends, it was like a jab to the heart each time. It seemed as thought they all got pregnant at the same time (which they did!) and I started having dreams that people close to us were pregnant. I would wake up and write them asking if they had something to tell us!

I got over it and I know that we have made the right decision for our family. I know that we are very lucky to have had a child at all, others struggle every day to get pregnant, but I guess for me I just always imagined having more then one child so the fact that we "can" have more but won't because of Cystic Fibrosis is the hard part.

People always ask if we plan on having more children and my response is this, if we were to have another child, the chances of that child having CF are the same as they were for Nash. A 25% chance. But the reality is, it's not just about the chances of that child having CF or not. It's about Nash. We want to give our 100% to Nash. It's our family decision. I think about if I were to be having another child, as I was supposed to around now, and I don't know how we would have done it. I know that it's all about scheduling and asking for help but we don't have any family in the city. My husband owns his own business that is ridiculously busy, we have two dogs and a child that requires daily physiotherapy and meds, being diligent about his diet, doctors appointments, clinic visits....I know that we could manage it if we had to but I just don't want to feel like I'm taking any time away from Nash. I want to give him 100%.

So that's that. Today will suck but tomorrow I'll be fine. We have an amazing little boy and I can look forward to all the things we can do for him and with him. And to all my friends who are pregnant right now, you know that I'm beyond happy for you, I'm just a little jealous:)