Great Strides Walk

Sunday was our first "Great Strides Walk" for Cystic Fibrosis. I had hoped to be able to wake up, have an easy morning and head there in plenty of time for the walk. Well in true fashion with having a baby, that did not happen, and it ended up being a stressful start to the day. I hate being late but it never fails, just as I'm about to leave, there needs to be a diaper change! And then looking at the weather it was a last minute scramble to get everything ready to be prepared for a typical Calgary day, rain, snow who knows!  We had been out late the night before so were dragging to begin with but man, it was just one of those mornings.

As the donations continued to come in that morning I was overcome with gratitude for all the support we've received. When we arrived at the walk, I once again was overcome with emotions as I saw our friends there bundled up in the cold to support us as we did the walk. The rain held off and we were able to enjoy our day but it does make you think more about the whole CF thing. Realizing that all those people there are either going through the same thing as you or know someone who is.

Thank you so much to everyone on our team who fund-raised, to those who donated and those that came and walked with us! It's been a long seven months and having the support for our friends and family has meant so much to us. In regards to funds raised, the final tally for our team "Ca$h for Nash" was $5,440!

Our team, "Ca$h for Nash"

I look forward to doing this walk annually and appreciate that the funds raised go towards helping our little boy, our family and all the families affected by Cystic Fibrosis across Canada.

The scale at Children's Hospital is broken. It has to be!

So this week was a full clinic visit. P.J. wasn't able to go with me so off I went, optimistic that all was well. We went Tuesday as there is one doctor on the CF team that only works Tuesdays so we've never met her as we always go on Wednesdays. We met with two different doctors and both emphasized how great he looks, but that damn scale!! I seriously think it's broken!!! We were there a couple of weeks ago and he was 14 pounds, 10 ounces and then at his six-month shots, on a different scale, he was 14 pounds, 15 ounces. I know that I shouldn't be comparing with different scales but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth when I go back to Children's Hospital and he's only 14 pounds, 10 ounces weeks later.

I know he didn't lose weight, but his gain is basically nothing. So after him eating solids, nursing as often as every two hours some days, thinking he's feeling heavier and then that...it sucks. So what now? Well, after breast feeding for six and a half months and that being what was considered "best" for him, it's no longer what is best. The doctor as me if I enjoyed nursing and my response, "no". I know some mothers love it and feel that connection with their child etc. but for me, it's been the toughest thing I've ever done and it really is draining. It's also stressful to not know how much he is eating and worrying that it's not enough. They also upped his enzyme dose and we'll see if all things combined help with his weight.

It's also hard to feel so attached/trapped, not sure what the best word is. I quit playing soccer partly because it's so hard to do anything without him. When he eats every 2-3 hrs and nursing you're always thinking, I have to quickly do this and get home before he needs to eat again.  You get the text saying, "He's eaten everything in the house and is screaming his head off, now what?" When I go out and others are just giving their child a bottle and I have to dig out my little cup of applesauce, give him his enzymes, find a spot to nurse, try to hold him up under a nursing cover, etc. etc., it's everything I dream to just be able to give him a bottle. And the day that I can pour him a cup of milk and hand it to him, wow, that'll be a great day! My instinct for the past two weeks has been to start to introduce formula and so I don't know why it came as such a shock to me that they would suggest it and the emotions that followed. In a way it feels like I "failed" but after coming home and having a day to get over it I'm feeling better about the situation. 

Our CF team social worker asked me if I was "obsessed" with his weight. I didn't really need to hesitate to respond that yes, I guess I am. A few friends have also asked why I'm so concerned with his weight. I'm not really sure of how to answer. I guess one reason is that I feel like yes, he's perfectly healthy now but if he were to get sick, he doesn't really have much to lose. I never really took into consideration that that's when would admit him and make sure that doesn't happen. It's also tough because he was gaining so much so quickly, and then not just slowed down but pretty much stopped, you think about what you are doing wrong as the one person responsible for feeding him. So now the weaning has begun. My plan is to drop one feed a week and have him weaned in six weeks time. That'll be good timing as we'll be off to New Brunswick and then once back will be going to Edmonton for a week to work. 

Thanks to my friends and family who have listened to me moan and groan about the whole "weight issue" for so long and hopefully we'll see a change in the coming weeks. And thanks to my friends (JT) who are always quick to point out babies around the same age who would also be considered small for their age. I know that he is healthy and happy and I'll try not to obsess so much about the stupid scale. 

The big move

It's been over a week since I've updated so here's the scoop, we moved Nash into his own room! In Alberta they recommend having babies in the same room as the parents until 6 months of age. We've had Nash in his crib in our room and I must say I've really enjoyed having him there. When he cries I can quickly tend to him and for the most part, he's been a great sleeper. My parents were here visiting two weeks ago and I said that after they left I would move him into his own room. Well they left and with hesitation, I asked P.J. to move the crib. He asked me more than once if I was ready and my response was, "No, but if I don't do it now it'll only get harder to do so". So, we moved his crib on Saturday and that first night I was a bit sad. I was the one with separation anxiety! But, he's been great in there and now we just have to work on getting him to bed a bit earlier in the evening. I just feel like it's so hard to fit everything in during the day. By the time I get him to bed, throw laundry in, wash bottles etc. it's time for bed for me as well so I really don't have any "down time".

6 Months Old!

Our days are busy with the library program, swimming lessons, walks at the park and trips to the Zoo. I just feel like when I go back to work I don't want to look back at what I did with him and regret not taking advantage of being off and enjoying doing things with friends and their children.

Nash and his buddies Mason and Cian at the Zoo

Heading out to Fish Creek Park for a walk

Speaking of work, I worked a half-day while my parents were here. I figured it would be as good time as any to test it out and get my feet wet again. It was a great afternoon but it sure was a lot of work to get everything ready to leave him for just a quick afternoon. I'll be working again next week, another half day, and hope to know what's going on for work next year in the coming weeks. This means, looking at child care for Nash. 

Child care has been a HUGE concern of mine. How can I possibly leave him with someone else?!?! But, as P.J. says, "Everyone in the world has to do it!" Well, no, they don't but yes, I do...I know that but just feel like he's so little who is going to give him the best care imaginable. So, I've been doing research on nannies, dayhomes, public child care facilities and it's all very overwhelming. It's also hard to look for child care when you don't really know what you are looking for. With not having a position to go back to I won't know if I'm looking for part-time, full-time, location etc. 

I'm leaning toward the Edleun Learning Centres so if anyone has any feedback on these centres please fill me in! I've heard good things and I hope to tour one of the facilities later this week or next.