The scale at Children's Hospital is broken. It has to be!

So this week was a full clinic visit. P.J. wasn't able to go with me so off I went, optimistic that all was well. We went Tuesday as there is one doctor on the CF team that only works Tuesdays so we've never met her as we always go on Wednesdays. We met with two different doctors and both emphasized how great he looks, but that damn scale!! I seriously think it's broken!!! We were there a couple of weeks ago and he was 14 pounds, 10 ounces and then at his six-month shots, on a different scale, he was 14 pounds, 15 ounces. I know that I shouldn't be comparing with different scales but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth when I go back to Children's Hospital and he's only 14 pounds, 10 ounces weeks later.

I know he didn't lose weight, but his gain is basically nothing. So after him eating solids, nursing as often as every two hours some days, thinking he's feeling heavier and then that...it sucks. So what now? Well, after breast feeding for six and a half months and that being what was considered "best" for him, it's no longer what is best. The doctor as me if I enjoyed nursing and my response, "no". I know some mothers love it and feel that connection with their child etc. but for me, it's been the toughest thing I've ever done and it really is draining. It's also stressful to not know how much he is eating and worrying that it's not enough. They also upped his enzyme dose and we'll see if all things combined help with his weight.

It's also hard to feel so attached/trapped, not sure what the best word is. I quit playing soccer partly because it's so hard to do anything without him. When he eats every 2-3 hrs and nursing you're always thinking, I have to quickly do this and get home before he needs to eat again.  You get the text saying, "He's eaten everything in the house and is screaming his head off, now what?" When I go out and others are just giving their child a bottle and I have to dig out my little cup of applesauce, give him his enzymes, find a spot to nurse, try to hold him up under a nursing cover, etc. etc., it's everything I dream to just be able to give him a bottle. And the day that I can pour him a cup of milk and hand it to him, wow, that'll be a great day! My instinct for the past two weeks has been to start to introduce formula and so I don't know why it came as such a shock to me that they would suggest it and the emotions that followed. In a way it feels like I "failed" but after coming home and having a day to get over it I'm feeling better about the situation. 

Our CF team social worker asked me if I was "obsessed" with his weight. I didn't really need to hesitate to respond that yes, I guess I am. A few friends have also asked why I'm so concerned with his weight. I'm not really sure of how to answer. I guess one reason is that I feel like yes, he's perfectly healthy now but if he were to get sick, he doesn't really have much to lose. I never really took into consideration that that's when would admit him and make sure that doesn't happen. It's also tough because he was gaining so much so quickly, and then not just slowed down but pretty much stopped, you think about what you are doing wrong as the one person responsible for feeding him. So now the weaning has begun. My plan is to drop one feed a week and have him weaned in six weeks time. That'll be good timing as we'll be off to New Brunswick and then once back will be going to Edmonton for a week to work. 

Thanks to my friends and family who have listened to me moan and groan about the whole "weight issue" for so long and hopefully we'll see a change in the coming weeks. And thanks to my friends (JT) who are always quick to point out babies around the same age who would also be considered small for their age. I know that he is healthy and happy and I'll try not to obsess so much about the stupid scale.